I suppose it's about time I publish another one of these things, not that anyone reads it. ;) In keeping with the previous theme, I've decided to contemplate Grace. Grace comes in many forms, has many meanings, from physical grace (which I UTTERLY lack. I fall down, frequently and without reason...), to grace and decorum in your manners and actions, to having an understanding of God's grace. And those of you who many be reading this for the first time, no, I'm not a Bible-thumping, right wing crusader of God or anything. But, I have my beliefs, and if you want to have an open talk sometime, let me know. :)
That being said, Grace has meaning for me. It's something I've thought about, had lengthy discussions on. One particularly meaningful discussion was held with a dying patient of mine...this patient was my "one". The one you get close to when you know you shouldn't, the one you let in and love like family, the one who is going to break your heart into a million shards when the day comes when the cancer is stronger than her will, and she conceeds defeat in THIS battle, and does so with amazing grace, on her terms, the best she can manage. You learn the true meaning of grace, you see it in action and it floors you, the power of it.
There is such a thing as saving grace. It's what keeps you grounded when you want to scream and deny God or whatever power/being is out there in the ether. As a nurse, I have come to the conclusion that there IS something beyond this world. There IS something else. There is a force, a power....something. Miracles happen, prayers are answered. Sometimes, it's not exactly the miracle we wanted, the answer we were seeking, and sometimes, it takes time to see that yes....this IS the answer. To me, the ability to have that time and that realization is a form of saving grace. A person's "saving grace" in any given situation is never the obvious rescue. It is the unexpected event that draws attention to a different path.
I pray. I pray every day for my patients. I pray for myself, to have the strength needed to be that source of support, of strength, of reason...to be whatever I am needed to be today. Those of you who know me, really and personally, know that I'm a bit of a curmudgeon. I'm sarcastic, mean, and snarky. But, when I am with a patient - a fellow curmudgeon or someone in crisis, I'm a different person. I'm not saying I'm awesome, but I do seem to have a way with calming "unruly" patients. More times than I can count, I've received report on a patient that the previous nurse has referred to as "the devil" or "just unbearable, unreasonable". Strangely, I rarely, if ever, have a problem with them. Of course, to hear my mother in law tell it, it's because I am just like them and we can relate.
I, however, think it's grace working through me. Just sayin. Sola Gratia, people.
