I never have plans for the future as you never know how things will turn out.
- Nigella Lawson
When I was 16, I pretty much had my life mapped out. I was going to be a nurse. I was going to be a mom of 3 by the time I was 30, marriage optional. I mean, I planned to be with my kids' Dad, but marriage wasn't so vitally important to me. I never dreamed of the big, white, fluffy wedding.
I'm not a girl's girl.
I met the first husband when I was 18, on the internet. I hadn't really had a boyfriend. Ever. I was a tomboy, I was the girl that got along great with the guys...but was never girlfriend material. So, I ran away to a state that I had never had a bit of interest in, because a boy liked me.
There were problems from the start, the very start, I was cheated on and lied to...but, I "loved" him. So, I forgave, and I believed when he said never again. I became pregnant when I was 20. I hadn't started school yet, I was just working dead end jobs, and at first, I was terrified. Then, I was elated. I told my parents, who, rightfully, were concerned but supportive. I set about making plans right away until one night, the cramps came. Then, the bleeding.
A late night trip to the ER followed, with him leaving me there to go tell his parents what was going on (their phone was out). I sat, alone, for 6 hours, losing my baby. I finally lied to the staff and said my ride was waiting outside, and started to walk home. He pulled up as I was hitting the street.
I stayed with him for 13 years, no other pregnancies followed. I tried fertility drugs and everything...looking back now, I suppose it was a blessing. I had hoped it was a combination of the two of us, not just me, I didn't want to be the "barren" one...of course, he ended up proving that I was, indeed, the barren one...
Now, I am with a wonderful man, I am a nurse. I got married this time in a walk up in Las Vegas, wearing a zombie Star Trek T-Shirt. Didn't make the 3 kids by 30 mark...and I'm scared that I won't ever have a baby. We were discussing Christmas traditions today, and I was struck by the thought that I may never get to play Santa for my child. No tooth fairy, no Easter Bunny, no adorable Halloween costumes.
I saw a video the other day, of a pregnant woman, filming the baby moving...it makes me so sad to think I will never experience that. So many women take that for granted, and don't realize the gift that they are given.
It's these little things that I already miss not being able to experience.
Of course, there IS something to be said for being able to spoil nieces/nephews/friends' kids and send them home to mom and dad. ;)
