Best Laid Plans...

I never have plans for the future as you never know how things will turn out.
- Nigella Lawson

When I was 16, I pretty much had my life mapped out.  I was going to be a nurse.  I was going to be a mom of 3 by the time I was 30, marriage optional.  I mean, I planned to be with my kids' Dad, but marriage wasn't so vitally important to me.  I never dreamed of the big, white, fluffy wedding.  

I'm not a girl's girl.

I met the first husband when I was 18, on the internet.  I hadn't really had a boyfriend.  Ever.  I was a tomboy, I was the girl that got along great with the guys...but was never girlfriend material.  So, I ran away to a state that I had never had a bit of interest in, because a boy liked me.  

There were problems from the start, the very start, I was cheated on and lied to...but,  I "loved" him.  So, I forgave, and I believed when he said never again.  I became pregnant when I was 20.  I hadn't started school yet, I was just working dead end jobs, and at first, I was terrified.  Then, I was elated.  I told my parents, who, rightfully, were concerned but supportive.  I set about making plans right away until one night, the cramps came.  Then, the bleeding.  

A late night trip to the ER followed, with him leaving me there to go tell his parents what was going on (their phone was out).  I sat, alone, for 6 hours, losing my baby.  I finally lied to the staff and said my ride was waiting outside, and started to walk home.  He pulled up as I was hitting the street.  

I stayed with him for 13 years, no other pregnancies followed.  I tried fertility drugs and everything...looking back now, I suppose it was a blessing.  I had hoped it was a combination of the two of us, not just me, I didn't want to be the "barren" one...of course, he ended up proving that I was, indeed, the barren one...

Now, I am with a wonderful man, I am a nurse.  I got married this time in a walk up in Las Vegas, wearing a zombie Star Trek T-Shirt.  Didn't make the 3 kids by 30 mark...and I'm scared that I won't ever have a baby.  We were discussing Christmas traditions today, and I was struck by the thought that I may never get to play Santa for my child.  No tooth fairy, no Easter Bunny, no adorable Halloween costumes.  

I saw a video the other day, of a pregnant woman, filming the baby moving...it makes me so sad to think I will never experience that.  So many women take that for granted, and don't realize the gift that they are given.  

It's these little things that I already miss not being able to experience.  

Of course, there IS something to be said for being able to spoil nieces/nephews/friends' kids and send them home to mom and dad.  ;)