Choices

Discontent is the first necessity of progress.
- Thomas Edison

I think I have used this particular quote somewhere before...and while I still hold it true, I have to ask myself, when does my progress begin?  My discontent is nearly constant, occasionally retreating only to emerge again. 

Over the past few weeks, I've felt it creeping up on me...a sense of melancholy, general discontent.  I have no reason to be melancholy.  I am very happily newlywed to the best man that I know, I have a good job, we have a nice apartment.  Money is tight, and usually gone just in time for the next paycheck, but we're not starving, and we have what we need. 

But, still...the melancholy.  I try to hide it, try to push it away.  I can usually reassure my husband that I am fine...and really, I am...I'm just a little sad lately.  I don't know if he'd understand if I tried to explain it...I am not sure I understand it.  I simply feel heavy in my heart, and I want to cry for no real reason sometimes. 

Depression.  Though, I hesitate to actually call it that.  I prefer "melancholy".  Because, it's not all encompassing.  It's not this persistent black cloud following me around coloring my decisions...

I have been thinking lately, too much, about choices I have made.  I tend to do things rashly, on a hope and a prayer.  Should I have left Texas?  I had a very good paying job there...I most definitely made the right choice in leaving my husband at the time, but should I have left what had become "home" over the previous decade?

I thought coming to MN/ND would be a salve for my emotional wounds.  I thought being around my family would help me and magically make things right again.  I was so very wrong about that.  It's like I didn't come home.  That's how I feel...I could turn around and walk away without a word, and none of my family would even notice for...months, perhaps. 

I am not really happy here, but I'm in no position to do anything about it anytime soon.  I feel guilt for bringing my husband here...though he seems to thoroughly enjoy the temperature. 

I really am beginning to wonder..will I ever be content?  Will I ever find that place to settle down, call home, and feel happy to be there?