The art of "okayness"

Right now...I am not ok.  I will be, because I always am, in the end....but for the moment, I am not "OK".  I will say I am "fine".  I will say, "Don't worry about me."  I will put an incredibly convincing smile on my face for the world to see, and you will believe me. 

But....I am lying. 

I am screaming on the inside.  I am crying when I am alone.  But, I won't let anyone see that, because others can't help you heal.  No one can take your pain, and if you let them try, they only exacerbate it.  Tenfold. 

But, I will keep lying until that day when I AM "ok".  I don't know when that will be.  My own stupidity keeps leading me into situations where "not ok" becomes the norm for me.  I really should have gone into acting, because truthfully?  I'm REALLY fucking good at it.  Hey!  I guess I DO have a talent. 

My patients will comment on my "beautiful smile" and how kind, and caring I am.  And, I AM kind, and caring.  I love my job, and I am so thankful I have it.  Even when I have a patient that frustrates me to the point of going into the bathroom and letting out a string of profanities that would make a sailor blush, I usually have another patient that I can channel that anger into a little extra TLC for....

The beautiful smile part...well, I work nights, it's dark, and a lot of these people are febrile...they don't see clearly.  Nothing "beautiful" about me. 

So.  I'm not ok.  But, you don't have to worry about me.  I will be fine.

No one panic, if you bother reading this at all.  These are just words, and words are my release.