Emerging From Hibernation

“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book (Lady Chatterley, for instance), or you take a trip, or you talk with Richard, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom(when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this(or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death."”  - Anais Nin

I am hibernating.  I have been hibernating.  I was cocooned in a false sense of comfort, of security.  I know this.  I actively let myself be lulled into this "comfort", of being "home."  Home wasn't the answer, and I know this definitively by the restlessness, the impatience in my heart, in my soul.  It's time to wake up.

I must be destined to be a travel nurse, because I find myself getting that restlessness about the 3 month mark after being any one place.  I was held captive by circumstance, by a relationship that was more or less doomed from the start...but, bright eyed optimist that I was, I was set on my course, dedicated to what I felt was my purpose.  13 years in my "prison", and now...near anxiety attacks at the thought of being held anywhere for too long.

There are people that are doubting my choice.  Some not very nice comments have been made to me, by people I love very much, because of my decision to take a travel contract and leave this "home" I have established.  My "emotional stability" has been called into question.  I can't even express how badly that fight hurt me.  I'm never happier than when I am traveling, and right now, being here, being stationary, is making me restless.  So, to have my "decision making ability" questioned, because of a hiccup in my personal life...well...thanks. 

One of my best friends asked me not long ago, "Mandy.  What are you going to do when there is nowhere left to run?"  My response was short.  There are now 7 billion people on this planet.  There is always somewhere to run.  I want to run.  I look forward to moving every 3 months again...seeing new places, meeting new people. 

I have a WIDE support net.  I make friends easily, and I am fairly well traveled.  Yes, I've been "down" lately, and personally, I think I have a fucking right to be.  My life has been a little bit topsy turvy for the past year to two years.  Just when I thought I was standing on relatively solid ground, there went the rug.  Right now, I'm a hell of a lot better than I was 2 weeks ago, and each day is easier and easier.  Staying here...that's the trouble. 

I find it funny how I can be MORE lonely when "surrounded" by family and friends, than when I am on the road...but I am.  It's oppressive, right now, this loneliness.  And I hate it. 

Traveling makes me happy.  I want to be happy, and I want to stop ALWAYS thinking about how my decision is going to affect someone else's happiness.  For once, I want to do something for myself, and feel no guilt.  I am resisting the guilt on this point.  I have no ties, nothing tethering me to this point on the map.  Nothing tethering me anywhere...free as a bird.  And I am counting down the days (19) until I can take flight again.