"Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 
Whispering 'it will be happier'...” 
― Alfred Tennyson

Last year was a rough one.  It had numerous ups and downs, and it ended on a downer - for no real reason.

That's the shitty thing about Depression.  It comes in uninvited, without cause and without logic.  It hangs around, making you feel worthless and pathetic, it makes it almost impossible just to get the fuck out of bed.

Until one day, the fog lifts and you're ok again.  For awhile.

So, I'm still fighting the depression that I have had for a couple of weeks now.  It's getting better, it just takes time.  It's the new year, and while I am not one to make resolutions, I have made some decisions.

1 - I have to lose weight.  This isn't the typical New years lose weight thing....I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT.  I want to be married to my wonderful husband for a long long time, and live a happy, healthy, active life with him.  I want to feel better.  I want my energy back.  I'm not one to care about how I look (sorry, Dan)....but, I want to be healthier and live longer.  

2 - I have to reduce my stress level.  This, again, isn't the typical New year resolution.  Over the past month, I've had a couple of severe migraines.  I haven't had headaches like this since I was in high school.  I feel angry most of the time, anxious.  

3 - I will increase my happiness with my life.  I've been generally unhappy for so many years, I don't fully know where to begin with it.  I want....more.  I have a great husband, who is generally pretty easy going and happy go lucky.  I don't know how he doesn't let things get to him.  I dwell on things.  I worry them to bits in my head and in my heart.  

4 - I will increase my happiness with my job.  I've been an RN for 5 years.  At my core, I still love nursing.  I work with great people - but right now, I am feeling stifled.  They always told you in nursing school that if you're not happy with whatever field of nursing you're in, you can switch and try something new.  I have been unsuccessful in this, for the most part.  I've worked in various fields of medical-surgical nursing (general, Oncology, Neuro, Travel, Home Health)....but I need a challenge.  I am back in school studying for my BSN, and I hope to get my Med-Surg RN certification and my Stroke Certification this year....but beyond that, I do want more....

I need to fill my cup with positivity, hope, love and let those flow out.  

It's a work in progress.

Best Laid Plans...

I never have plans for the future as you never know how things will turn out.
- Nigella Lawson

When I was 16, I pretty much had my life mapped out.  I was going to be a nurse.  I was going to be a mom of 3 by the time I was 30, marriage optional.  I mean, I planned to be with my kids' Dad, but marriage wasn't so vitally important to me.  I never dreamed of the big, white, fluffy wedding.  

I'm not a girl's girl.

I met the first husband when I was 18, on the internet.  I hadn't really had a boyfriend.  Ever.  I was a tomboy, I was the girl that got along great with the guys...but was never girlfriend material.  So, I ran away to a state that I had never had a bit of interest in, because a boy liked me.  

There were problems from the start, the very start, I was cheated on and lied to...but,  I "loved" him.  So, I forgave, and I believed when he said never again.  I became pregnant when I was 20.  I hadn't started school yet, I was just working dead end jobs, and at first, I was terrified.  Then, I was elated.  I told my parents, who, rightfully, were concerned but supportive.  I set about making plans right away until one night, the cramps came.  Then, the bleeding.  

A late night trip to the ER followed, with him leaving me there to go tell his parents what was going on (their phone was out).  I sat, alone, for 6 hours, losing my baby.  I finally lied to the staff and said my ride was waiting outside, and started to walk home.  He pulled up as I was hitting the street.  

I stayed with him for 13 years, no other pregnancies followed.  I tried fertility drugs and everything...looking back now, I suppose it was a blessing.  I had hoped it was a combination of the two of us, not just me, I didn't want to be the "barren" one...of course, he ended up proving that I was, indeed, the barren one...

Now, I am with a wonderful man, I am a nurse.  I got married this time in a walk up in Las Vegas, wearing a zombie Star Trek T-Shirt.  Didn't make the 3 kids by 30 mark...and I'm scared that I won't ever have a baby.  We were discussing Christmas traditions today, and I was struck by the thought that I may never get to play Santa for my child.  No tooth fairy, no Easter Bunny, no adorable Halloween costumes.  

I saw a video the other day, of a pregnant woman, filming the baby moving...it makes me so sad to think I will never experience that.  So many women take that for granted, and don't realize the gift that they are given.  

It's these little things that I already miss not being able to experience.  

Of course, there IS something to be said for being able to spoil nieces/nephews/friends' kids and send them home to mom and dad.  ;)

Stardust

“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.”

- Lawrence M. Krauss


We are all stardust.  


I came out of religion's closet last night, more or less, as an Athiest.  At least, an Athiest to the Christian religion.  I still yearn for a sense of spirituality, and I can't quite put myself fully in the realm of the non-believer, not totally.  


I am a non-believer in Jesus Christ as lord and savior.  I've never been able to tow that particular line.  I've never understood how people could buy the virgin birth story, and think this man was the literal son of God.  I do feel he lived.  I do feel that he was a good man, with good ideas...and the thought of Christianity in its purest form is a good idea.  


What passes for "Christianity" today is abominable.  Judge not, lest ye judge.  Do unto others as you would have done unto you.  Love thy brother.  These things are forgotten...shoved aside in a quest for power, control, and the ability to feel above others.  


We are all stardust.  You and I?  We're made of the same stuff.  I don't care where you're from, I don't care what color you are.  The same stuff.  We're siblings in the family that is humanity.  I get angry, and frustrated, and I end up wanting to deny those who would deny others.  That makes me no better than those people.  Love your brother...


But seriously.  If you are a CHRISTIAN, explain a few things to me.  Why is it ok to judge someone for their choices regarding birth control, marriage?  Why is it ok for them to be denied the right to choose their own life?  There is no fine print at the bottom of the Bill of Rights.  We ALL have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  My happiness may be different than yours...it's MY choice.  


I happen to very strongly believe that everyone has the right to medical care, UNIVERSALLY.  I, on a personal level and for personal reasons, am against abortion..but I DO NOT have the right to ban someone else from making that choice.  I haven't walked in their shoes.  I happen to think that anyone that takes a CHILD to protest an abortion clinic should have their ability to raise said child brought into question...but, that's my OPINION.  


The Bible is a guide.  It's not a weapon, so stop using it to oppress those different than you.  Stop it.  Live your life, raise your kids.  Teach them your beliefs, but please, teach them to think for themselves.  Don't poison their minds to critical thinking.  Be open.  If I ever have a child, I'm going to teach them my beliefs, but I will also encourage them to read the Bible, read all the Holy Texts.  If they turn out to be a Christian, so be it.  Wherever they find their path, their solace...I will be fine with.  


We are all stardust.  Don't smother someone else's light with absolute black and whites.  

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau


I am driving my husband crazy.  It's not intentional, and he doesn't complain, but I know I am doing it.  


I have been trying to decide the best course of action.  Currently, I'm on contract at a hospital that I REALLY like, and making good money for once.  Of course, the events in my life of the past few years, well....I've got QUITE the hole to dig out of.  


I have dug myself out of deep financial holes before, and I can do it again...but I'm a bit PISSED that I have to do it again in the first place.  


So, now, I am trying to decide whether I should:


A) Keep working as a travel RN, taking contracts all over the country.  The wages vary with each contract, but this is what I REALLY want to keep doing.  I love the freedom of going different places, meeting new people.  I want to experience new places with my new husband.


B) If I keep traveling, decide where "home base" is going to be.  This is a harder decision that you'd think.  Currently, I am a resident of North Dakota.  Being a resident of North Dakota, my RN license has compact status, which allows me to work in 25+ states without having to apply for THOSE licenses.  If I decide to officially relocate to California, I have to lose compact status, which means I will have to apply for each state license individually, which is expensive and time consuming.  


C) Settle here in California.  Take a full time job and find a house and be here.  I like this hospital, and I have given remaining here a lot of consideration.  I like being in California, and having a consistent paycheck would be a plus...


My mind has been changing rapidly over the past few weeks.  I will make a decision, Dan will think it's settled, and then I will second guess myself and make a different decision.  


I know what I want to do.  I just don't know that it's the RIGHT decision, financially.  


My husband supports whatever I want to do.  I just need to make a decision and stick to it.  Poor guy.  

Choices

Discontent is the first necessity of progress.
- Thomas Edison

I think I have used this particular quote somewhere before...and while I still hold it true, I have to ask myself, when does my progress begin?  My discontent is nearly constant, occasionally retreating only to emerge again. 

Over the past few weeks, I've felt it creeping up on me...a sense of melancholy, general discontent.  I have no reason to be melancholy.  I am very happily newlywed to the best man that I know, I have a good job, we have a nice apartment.  Money is tight, and usually gone just in time for the next paycheck, but we're not starving, and we have what we need. 

But, still...the melancholy.  I try to hide it, try to push it away.  I can usually reassure my husband that I am fine...and really, I am...I'm just a little sad lately.  I don't know if he'd understand if I tried to explain it...I am not sure I understand it.  I simply feel heavy in my heart, and I want to cry for no real reason sometimes. 

Depression.  Though, I hesitate to actually call it that.  I prefer "melancholy".  Because, it's not all encompassing.  It's not this persistent black cloud following me around coloring my decisions...

I have been thinking lately, too much, about choices I have made.  I tend to do things rashly, on a hope and a prayer.  Should I have left Texas?  I had a very good paying job there...I most definitely made the right choice in leaving my husband at the time, but should I have left what had become "home" over the previous decade?

I thought coming to MN/ND would be a salve for my emotional wounds.  I thought being around my family would help me and magically make things right again.  I was so very wrong about that.  It's like I didn't come home.  That's how I feel...I could turn around and walk away without a word, and none of my family would even notice for...months, perhaps. 

I am not really happy here, but I'm in no position to do anything about it anytime soon.  I feel guilt for bringing my husband here...though he seems to thoroughly enjoy the temperature. 

I really am beginning to wonder..will I ever be content?  Will I ever find that place to settle down, call home, and feel happy to be there? 

The First Day...

      “Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

So, I found my guy.  The guy that calls me beautiful.  The boy that kisses my forehead.  The guy who states daily that he is so lucky...The guy that loves his geeky girl so much that he wants to take her to SDCC and show her off as proof that there IS indeed someone out there for everyone...nevermind that she is technically one of them and really doesn't count as anything that impressive...in her mind, at least. 

I found my guy, and I've never been happier in my entire life.  I finally feel complete...like I've found my home.  I'm loving this feeling. 

The past year of my life has been topsy turvy, to say the least.  Many parts of it were utterly hellish, and while a valuable lesson or two were taken away...I never want to experience some of those sensations again.  But...the bad...the bad doesn't even begin to compare to the good. 

I married the best man I have ever met on New Years Day.  It was a "Las Vegas" wedding, quite literally a walk-up...but still completely PERFECT.  I would not have done it any other way.  And, in choosing New Years Day to be our wedding day...yeah, the perfect choice to be our First Day.

He really is the other half of me.  We often say the same thing at the same time...think the same things, even make the same gestures at the same times on occasion.   I found a man who compliments my personality, who is the piece that I really didn't know was missing, until I met him.  It's something special to be able to progress from friends to something more, and I am thrilled that this is the way our relationship progressed. 

To me, he is perfect.  He is everything I want.  I feel content.  :) 

Thank you, Daniel.  My husband.  For making me so incredibly happy. 

Emerging From Hibernation

“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book (Lady Chatterley, for instance), or you take a trip, or you talk with Richard, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom(when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this(or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death."”  - Anais Nin

I am hibernating.  I have been hibernating.  I was cocooned in a false sense of comfort, of security.  I know this.  I actively let myself be lulled into this "comfort", of being "home."  Home wasn't the answer, and I know this definitively by the restlessness, the impatience in my heart, in my soul.  It's time to wake up.

I must be destined to be a travel nurse, because I find myself getting that restlessness about the 3 month mark after being any one place.  I was held captive by circumstance, by a relationship that was more or less doomed from the start...but, bright eyed optimist that I was, I was set on my course, dedicated to what I felt was my purpose.  13 years in my "prison", and now...near anxiety attacks at the thought of being held anywhere for too long.

There are people that are doubting my choice.  Some not very nice comments have been made to me, by people I love very much, because of my decision to take a travel contract and leave this "home" I have established.  My "emotional stability" has been called into question.  I can't even express how badly that fight hurt me.  I'm never happier than when I am traveling, and right now, being here, being stationary, is making me restless.  So, to have my "decision making ability" questioned, because of a hiccup in my personal life...well...thanks. 

One of my best friends asked me not long ago, "Mandy.  What are you going to do when there is nowhere left to run?"  My response was short.  There are now 7 billion people on this planet.  There is always somewhere to run.  I want to run.  I look forward to moving every 3 months again...seeing new places, meeting new people. 

I have a WIDE support net.  I make friends easily, and I am fairly well traveled.  Yes, I've been "down" lately, and personally, I think I have a fucking right to be.  My life has been a little bit topsy turvy for the past year to two years.  Just when I thought I was standing on relatively solid ground, there went the rug.  Right now, I'm a hell of a lot better than I was 2 weeks ago, and each day is easier and easier.  Staying here...that's the trouble. 

I find it funny how I can be MORE lonely when "surrounded" by family and friends, than when I am on the road...but I am.  It's oppressive, right now, this loneliness.  And I hate it. 

Traveling makes me happy.  I want to be happy, and I want to stop ALWAYS thinking about how my decision is going to affect someone else's happiness.  For once, I want to do something for myself, and feel no guilt.  I am resisting the guilt on this point.  I have no ties, nothing tethering me to this point on the map.  Nothing tethering me anywhere...free as a bird.  And I am counting down the days (19) until I can take flight again.